I Don't Wanna Live Forever
by Litteya
Summary: E/C Based of the song I don't wanna live forever. From the soundtrack of '50 Shades Grayer'. Takes place somewhere at the end of season 8.
1. Chapter 1

_"I Don't wanna Live"_

 _ **A/N : Explicit Sexual Content. Explicit Language. Rape, Non/Con. Violence.**_

 _ ***Casey Pov***_

 _"Bang!"_ My eyes popped open. I groaned, "What the hell woke me up?" I mumbled to myself. I jumped out of bed, and went to my kitchen. I couldn't find the source of the noise, so I went to the fridge. I ran my hand through my hair, I couldn't find anything appetizing. I closed the fridge and went to turn around, I froze.

I felt something cold and hard against my head. It felt like a gun. My breathing hitched. I felt him breathe on my neck and I trembled. "What do you want?" I used my voice that usually reserved for court. I heard him chuckle and mumble something about me trying way too hard. I panicked and started rambling off about everything worth value in my apartment. "SHUT THE HELL UP BITCH!" he screamed and yanked my hair. I started to cry involuntary. "Ok, ok what do want?" I said trying to calm him down. "Take off your night gown, now." he said impatiently. I knew what he wanted, I'd worked with the special victims unit long enough to know how this would end. I slowly took it off. I breathed in, and closed my eyes. "The bra too!" I started crying and pleading. I heard the gun click and I started taking my bra off.

I squeezed my eyes shut as he fondled me from behind. He stopped suddenly. "Get down on your knees." I responded quicker this time, but I didn't dare open my eyes. I knew what he was going to make me do. I just didn't want him to blow my head off. I heard his pants unzip, and by this time I was sobbing. "Open up." He said. I could speak, I couldn't think, I just shook my head no. Then I felt a cold blow to the side of my face. "Open up, don't make me have to ruin that perfect little face of yours." He was getting angry. I opened my eyes and slowly opened my mouth. I felt him shove his member into my mouth, I gagged. I wanted to bite down, but I didn't want to risk it. He started pulling my hair and I could tell he was getting close. _Please don't make me swallow, please._ I sighed when he pulled out of my mouth. I felt so disgusting, as I saw him jacking off in front of me.

I let my head wander somewhere else. I couldn't even hear when he called me. I only noticed him calling me when he hit me again. I yelped and he pulled my hair back. "Stick out your damn tongue, and stop being such a resilient little bitch." I stuck my tongue out and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't wanna see what he was doing. I felt something something warm on my tongue. I wanted to gag so badly. He made me swallow, and I just broke down. "Please stop, please. I promise I won't tell, just leave and it will all be over." I pleaded with him. He touched my lips and said "Why would I do that? Where just getting started." He dragged me to my bed.

I kicked and screamed. I stopped fighting when I felt the gun against my head again. "Why are you being such a difficult little bitch. You must like getting slapped around, you little cum slut. That's it isn't it? Want me to slap you around?" I shook my head "no" my throat felt like it was closing. "Say it, say i'm a little cum slut who likes to be slapped around. Say it now." He said as he pushed the gun harder on my forehead. I trembled as I opened my mouth "i'ma.. I'm a little cu-cum slut, who likes to be-be- sla-slapped around." I burst out in tears after that. Then I felt a slap to the face. he slapped me over, over, and over, and over again. My lip was bleeding, and my face was of fire. "Get on the bed, now!" He yelled. I jumped at his voice. I slowly walked over to the bed. I felt him tearing my underwear off. I closed my eyes tight as I felt him feeling up my thighs. "Since you made me feel so good, I guess I should return the favor." He said before he started to perform oral sex on me. I felt unwanted arousal. An orgasm slowly rose up inside me. I couldn't take it after that I was bawling. I felt so weak, so worthless, so stupid.

I felt him climb on top of me. I couldn't fight anymore, I couldn't do anything but lay there. "Look whose being such a good whore." he taunted me. He started kissing me. I choked on my tears, silently crying. He shoved his tongue into my mouth and I just wanted this to be over so I froze. Then I felt him slowly push into me. The unwanted arousal came back. **How could my body betray me, in the worst way possible?** Then he started going faster, rougher, the unwanted arousal disappeared, so did the unwanted orgasm. I was in pain and I was screaming, yelling, begging, pleading. Then he came in side me. I sobbed and sighed and hoped. No not hoped, I prayed that if there was a god that he'd leave that all of this would go away.

I opened my eyes as he got off of me.I looked at him and he smirked. "Ready for round two?" It wasn't just any smirk. It was a sadistic smirk. He pulled something out of his pocket. It looked like a knife. I scooted back as far as I could, but there was no way I could runaway. He came towards me and pinned me down. He thrusts his self inside of me again. Then he started cutting me, my chest, my arms, my back. I it hurt so much. I couldn't even think. I just acted. I saw the gun on my nightstand. I grabbed it. I was on my stomach and I turned over. The gun was pointed directly in his chest. He jumped off me surprised. This is the first time I saw his face clearly. He was so young. I moved toward him. The gun pointed directly on him. He stepped backed. "Come on, you won't shoot nobody. Put the gun down." He then moved closer to me. The gun clicked. "Try me." I said in a calm steady voice. He looked absolutely terrified. "Okay, ill leave." He turned to leave. it took all of me not to shoot him. "NO! Don't take another or I promise ill blow your goddamn brains out." I was pissed now.

I moved closer to him, and I put the gun to his head. I started getting a little dizzy from the blood loss. They weren't major cuts, just shallow. I told him to go into my front room. I picked up my robe off my front room couch. I put it on making sure the gun was still on him. "Sit down on the couch, now." I said. He did as he was told. I picked up the phone and dialed 911. I almost wanted to ask for The Special Victims Unit. I just couldn't do it in the end. So I just told them to bring a bus because I was attacked. I paced in fear and in anger. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Standup!" He stood up as soon a I yelled. "Oh, look whose being a good little whore?" I mocked him. "Get down on your knees." I said just as he had told me. He did as i told, and boy did he looked scared. "Open up!" he opened his mouth slowly. I shoved the gun in. "I hope you gag!" I said as I orally sodomised him. He looked at me and pleaded. "Why the hell shouldn't I kill you?" The gun clicked and he jumped. Then I heard the door being knocked in. Officers rushed in. They looked at me and stopped. I must've looked horrible. "I'm going to take the gun out of his mouth. Don't shoot." I said being around enough cops to know what to say. I removed the gun slowly and backed away. I watched as they put him in hand cuffs. I slowly put the gun up to my head.

 _ **I Don't Wanna Live .**_

 _ **Word Count: 1440**_

A/N: Ummm...Follow me on twitter teyacouture I hope you like!


	2. Chapter 2

(No Lyric for this part)

 _ **1-6 precinct, 9:25am**_

 ***Olivia Pov***

I slowly sipped my coffee. I looked over at my partner. "When did Casey say she was gonna go over the Beckham case?" I asked. He looked at his watch. "7:25, she probably over slept." The captain came out of his office. "Novak still hasn't showed?" I shook my head. "Well theres a vic at mercy. Go speak with her." He said. "Ok Capt." I said. I threw elliot the keys. We arrived at the hospital 20minutes later. I went up to the receptionists. I flashed my badge and said "We heard you had a rape victim?" She looked at me and then pointed in the direction of any officer carrying two cups of coffee. "Thanks." I said. We went up to the officer, "Weres the vic?" Elliot asked. "Uh, in the exam room. She just had a rape kit and asked me to get her a coffee." the rookie cop replied. I peeked in the exam room. The victim was gone. "El, she's not there." I said. He burst in the room. He looked around. A nurse came in "What the hell are you doing?" she asked Elliot. I flashed my badge. "Where's the victim?" I asked hoping she would know. "She should be in here." the nurse said. "Well she's not, where the hell is she?" Elliot said getting agitated. "Hey, all I do is the exams. I'm not suppose to monitor them." The nurse said. I butt in before things got out of hand. "Ok, wheres the kit?" She handed be a clipboard to sign. I signed it and she brought me the kit along with pictures. I didn't look at them. "Ok, El let's go." We returned to the precinct 25 minutes later because we decided to order coffee. "Did you talk to the vic?" Cragen asked. "Uh, no she skipped out. We did get a name and picture. I ran the name through the system. Amy Brink. No matches no alias. Has Novak come in yet?" I asked. Fin chimed in "No, and the names probably fake. Did the precinct who picked up the call fax over there dd5's?" "There sending them now." I said. Munch came over and picked up the photos off my desk, which were in a folder. He looked at them for a long time. "Guy's I think I know why Casey didn't come in." he said I could hear the change in his voice. He turned the folder around to show us the photo. My, mouth dropped open. I saw a bruised Casey. I grabbed the photo's and looked through them. There were multiple cuts all over her, there were bruises, and bite-marks. The rape kit was positive for semen, pubic hair, saliva, and tearing. The others came to look at the photos. I didn't know what to say. "We've got to find her." Fin was the first one to speak. "Liv and Elliot go check her apartment. Fin you and Munch go speak with Donnelly." Cragen said turning to go back to his office. I could've swore I saw tears daring to fall.

 ***Munch Pov***

I knocked on Liz Donnelly's office door. "Come in." I Heard her say through the door. "Ah detectives, what can I do for you." She said without looking up. I looked at Fin and he looked at me. "Have you seen Casey today?" I asked. "No, I haven't seen or spoken to . You have her cell. Goodbye detectives." She said still looking down at her paperwork. She was starting to agitate me. "Liz, Casey was raped and beaten. Now if you have any idea where she is tell us. That's the least you can do. Now stop being such a cold-hearted bitch." I knew I said way too much, but I was pissed. Liz lifted her head. She took in a sharp breathe. "She might be in her office." She dug in her drawer and handed me a key. When we got to her office, I unlocked her door and slowly opened it. No one was there. Papers were shrewn around the room, and there was blood on the case files. "She's definitely been here." I say looking to my partner. My phone started ringing _"I like big butts and I can't deny."_ I answered as quickly as possible try to save myself from more humiliation. "Munch?" "Were at her apartment, it looks like a struggle took place, but she's not here. CSU found semen and a lot of blood. We're sending samples to the lab. Any luck there?" I heard Liv say. "Liz was a bitch like always, but she's not here. She definitely was. There's blood. Not enough for a struggle, but enough for a wound to reopen. Have TARU trace her phone, and get a BOLO out on her credit cards." I say before closing my phone.

 _ **Back at the Precinct 6:09pm**_

 _ *****_ **Olivia Pov***

"Anything yet?" I ask Elliot whose been monitoring his computer for an update. "Nope, nothing on the debit or credit cards. She took her battery out her phone at the hospital. We've got nothing. Nothing at all." He says disappointed. "Why run? We're her friends, we can help her. What is she scared of? Doesn't she trust us?" I ask, knowing that's what everyone wants to know. "She does, but she's not like any other victim. She spends her time fighting bad guys. When the perp attacked her she felt helpless and defenseless, all things prosecutors aspire not to be. He took her pride and she's ashamed." Haung said. I crossed my arms and rubbed my temples. "I got something." Elliot yelled. "What?" I asked running over to him. "She just tried to use her debit card for The Day After pill, gauze, band-aids, hydrogen peroxide, and rubbing alcohol." He said. "Her wounds must of reopened, and the perp didn't wear a condom. Me and Elliot will run over there." I said as I grabbed my keys. I on the way there there we were silent.

 **A/N: Sorry This is so short, but you know writer's block...Oh and please review and request. It means so much to me to check my email and see I got reviews.**


	3. Chapter 3

_(No Lyric)_

 **1-6 Precinct, 9:35pm**

 ***Abigail Borin Pov***

My phone wrung. I didn't recognize the number. I answered. "Special Agent Abigail Borin." A husky voice answered me "Detective Odafin Tutuola, with Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Do you have a sister by the name of Casey Novak?" "Yes, what's this about?" I asked. "Your sister was a attacked and raped, last night." he said. I waited for him to say i'm joking. Casey wanted me to prank call you. I'm waiting for Casey's laugh to fill my ears. I'm left waiting. I swallow. "Is she alive?" I ask, my voice breaking? "Yes, but you were listed as her next of kin." I hear him say. I gulp, I have to book a flight right away. I hang up and start packing.

 ***Olivia Pov***

I hand Melinda the rape kit, but not the photo's. I turn to leave, but stop. "Melinda, don't run it as Amy Brink. Run it as Casey Novak." She raise her eyebrows, confused. A single tear rolls down my cheek. She nods as if she understand. I walked away, I don't know what to say or what to think. So I detach myself. I'm a detective, Casey is a victim. She's not my friend, she's not our ADA. A victims, is what she is. A victim. This is what I think as I walk back into the squad room.

It's fairly empty except me and Fin. "Get a whole to anyone?" I ask hoping someone would come. "Yea, her sister. She hung up before I could tell her anything." Fin said agitated. "We need to find her." I said. By the time we got there yesterday she was already gone. I dropped my coffee cup. "Damn!" I said. Fin came over to help me. "I got it Fin!" I said as I yelled at him. He backed with his hands up. I didn't mean to snap, but Casey was the closest thing I had to family.

 ***Casey Pov***

I winced as I poured alcohol on one of the huge cuts. I don't know what the fuck i'm doing. I'm sitting in a dirty motel trying to keep my cuts from getting infected. I'm just so, so tired and I don't know whats next. Tears are slowly streaming down, and I haven't stopped crying since the ra-attack. I can't even say rape in my own damn thoughts. I let out a stifled laugh that turned into a sob.

What was I thinking? What was my plan when I left the hospital? What was I going to do? What was I going to say? The answer to all the questions is 'I don't know'. When I left all I thought about is them seeing me. Looking at the pictures. Asking me how and when he raped me. I just had to get away. So I ran and I ran , and I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I went to the nearest ATM I withdrew a couple hundred dollars and got this motel room.

I looked around the room and I spotted the burner cell I bought. I picked it up and opened it and then I immediately closed it. I couldn't call anyone who lived in New York, because if I did they would call the police and I can't handle that right now. I opened the phone and called the last person who could hunt me down.

The phone answered after two rings. "Borin." My sisters voice rang through the small phone. I sighed "Abbie." "Case, Case is that you?" She asked. I sniffled "Yea, yea its me." I was on the verge of tears. "Oh Case, it's so glad to hear from you. The detectives called me earlier. How are you? Are you ok? Are the detectives treating you right?" She babbled on. I sucked in a sharp breathe. I should've known they'd call. "The detectives called you?" I asked in a whisper. "Casey, are you ok? Where are you?" She asked worried. "I ran away from the hospital. I didn't want them to see me. What did they tell you?" I asked hoping that they had left the rape part out. "They told me that your were..that you were r-raped. Is it true?" She stuttered out.

I looked at the ceiling, tears threatening to fall. God why me? Why now? I grinded my jaw, contemplating my answer. I thought about lying, but what good would that help. I nodded as my head as if she could see me. "Yes." I finally sobbed out. I broke down. Her voice filled my ears once more. "Shhh, shhh don't cry Case. We'll get past this." I heard her say. "How?" I choked out. "How we get through everything. Together, me and you always. Hey, remember when we were 10 and convinced the frozen yogurt cashier that we were quadruplets?" She asked. I could hear the smile in her voice. "Yea. We got like $50 worth of free frozen yogurt samples." I said as I laughed. "We did that together. We will always do it together, ok?" She asked her voice serious. "How?" I said my voice quiet again. "First you need to go to the police. I know your embarrassed and ashamed, but you are not super woman. Let them help you. O-K?" She asked again. "Fine." i say knowing that this was the reason I called her. "I need to go. Promise me you'll go." She said. I thought for a second before replying. "I promise." Then the line went dead. _'Promise'_ I repeated.


	4. Chapter 4

_**"I'll Be Living in Vain"**_

 _ **In the Back of A Cab 6:30am**_

 ***Casey Pov***

I have a new outfit on. If i'm gonna go to the 1-6 then I have to be presentable. So I went to the nearest clothing store and bought a cheap pencil skirt, blue blazer, plain black heels, and terribly cheap pigmented makeup. My breathe hitched as the cab stopped. 'It's now or never, preferably never' I thought. I threw the driver some cash and got out. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and I walked in.

The squad room was packed. I couldn't help but to feel self-conscience. I covered up most of my cuts, but I couldn't do anything about my lip or the bruises. I saw Liv on the phone and I contemplated going up to her. I quickly decided not to do that. Instead I went up to Munch. I tapped on his shoulder. "If you have a tip, please wait in line." He said not looking back. I rolled my eyes. "Way to roll out the read carpet, Munch." I said in my usual raspy voice. He turned around. "Ca-Casey?" He asked as if he'd seen a ghost. I put on a brave face even though I wanted to run and hide. "The one and only." I said taking in the squad room.

Everyones eyes are on me now. I cross my arms. "Alright pack it up, we're done here." Munch says after staring at me for a while. Liv come my way with open arms. "Don't touch me." I say a little to hasty. She back away unexpectedly. I lift up my sleeve just a little. She saw the bruises and cuts. She nodded and gave me a half smile. "I know you guys might be mad at me and i'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what i've put you guys through and what I put the city through." I was crying now. Liv came towards me and held me. I didn't protest this time. I let her hug me even if it hurt. "Where not mad Casey. We're just glad your safe and your here." Cragen said. I cried even harder and Liv rushed me to a chair.

I was crying into Liv's shoulder and when I lifted my head I saw black on her shirt. "I guess thats what I get for buying cheap mascara." I said putting on my best smile. She chuckled and so did the rest of the squad. "I guess I need to make a statement?" I asked. Liv exchanged glances with everyone. "Uh-let's not talk about that just yet. Have you eaten?" she asked. My stomach growled and I forgot how hungry I was. I just nodded. With that Liv left.

Cragen took me into his office. He closed the blinds and the door. He sat down and asked "How are you feeling?" I look at him for a while. "Honestly?" I ask. He nods. "Hopeless." I say as I breathe out. He looks down. "You can get through this Casey." He said after a while. I nod as I take in the room. "I know. I'll heal. Or maybe I won't." I cocked my head to the side and squint. "Casey don't say that." He say walking towards me. I roll my eyes. "I'm being optimistic. What percent of victims actually heal?" I ask. He stays silent. "Now how many of them turn to sex, alcohol, or drugs?" I ask. "Way too many. Which is why I don't want you to become on of them." He says sitting on the edge of his desk. I laugh. "Do we actually believe the stuff we tell victims?" I ask. "Of course we do." He answers back. I look at him and smile. I pick up my purse and turn to leave. "I need a drink." I say as I walk out. I hear him call my name but I just don't care.

 ***Olivia Pov***

I went into Cragen's office when I didn't see Casey in the squad room. "Wheres Casey?" I asked. He rubbed his head and looked up at me. "She said she needed a drink." He sighed. "You didn't try to stop her. What if she hurts herself or worse someone else?" I say agitated. "Come on Liv calm down. We both went after her. What did you want us to do hand-cuff her?" Elliot asked. I roll my eyes. "Yes!" I yell. "If it keeps her safe then absolutely." I say walking out.

25 minutes later I hear Casey coming in the squad room. "Where the hell have you been?" I ask. She looks at me and around the room to see angry faces. She sat down at my desk and crossed her arms. "Blowing off steam." She said after contemplating her answer. I pull out my breathalyzer. "Really Liv?" She asked looking surprised. I walk towards her. "Yes Casey. When you walk out yelling that you need a drink I kinda expect you to be drunk off your ass." I said being a smart ass. She blew into the breathalyzer. It was normal. "See. I didn't get drunk. Even though I thought about it. I also thought about picking up a guy and going back to his place, but I didn't do that now did I?" She said rolling her eyes. "Case!" I yelled. "What? I'm sorry ok I just needed some time. Some time to think. I don't know how to not be okay." She says on the verge of tears. "I know. I'm sorry for being so hard on you, but you can't keep running away. We're here to help you. Anyways where did you go?" I said a little curious. "I took a walk." She said not looking in my direction. "You took a walk in Manhattan at night alone?" I asked. "Yes. I not living my life in fear and I start to I won't be living very long." She said. "Casey, you can't talk like that." I said crouching down in front of her. "Ughh STOP IT!. I will and I can. OK!" She yelled standing up and walking away. She combed one hand through her ponytail. She started pacing back and forth. "Can you just take my statement so I can get away from you all?" She said bluntly. I looked around the room at Fin, Munch, El, and Cragen. I could see the hurt on there faces. "Well?" Casey asked impatiently. "We actually thought it would be better if you talked to Dr. Haung." I finally said. That earned me an eye roll and a "Fine."

A/N: I thought it would be good if I showed Casey's emotions as kind of up and down...


	5. Chapter 5

"Ill be living in vain"

*Haung Pov*

"Casey." I said. "George." She said as she sat down in front of me. We sat there awkwardly for a minute. "How are you feeling?" I asked. This earned a smile and a laugh. "Haha. That is such a typical shrink question." She said. "Well I am a shrink." I said giving her a smile. "Well how am I suppose to feel? I was just ra-attacked not even three day a go." She said looking towards the window. "Do you wanna talk about the attack?" I asked. "Ah, no. No I don't." She said.

I expected this from her. "Ok, we don't have to talk--" I said before she cut me off. "Actually, yes. Yes I do." She said taking her hair out of her ponytail. This was not what I was expecting. "Okay. What happened?" I asked wanting to let her lead. "I heard something. It woke me up so of course I went to investigate. I looked around my kitchen, finding nothing. I remembered being pissed, because I only have an hour or two more of sleep." She said as she let out a small laugh. She stood up and walked over to the window. She ran her hand through her fiery red hair. "I went to the fridge, looking for a snack and when I closed it I felt something on the side of my head. It was cold, hard..." She trailed off.

I waited a second to see if she was gonna finish. After a while I stood up and walked over to her. "Casey, Casey!" She didn't respond. She only responded when I touched her shoulder. She jumped. A tear ran down the left side of her face. She quickly brushed it away and looked at me. I looked into those tiny blue-green orbs. So much sorrow, but there was something else there. Regret? Maybe. I don't know I didn't understand at first. "Casey, did you have a flashback of the attack?" I asked guiding her back to her chair. She let out a small chuckle. "Yes, but not of this one." she said sitting back down. She fumbled with her nails. "Was it when Zegrin attacked you?" I asked. "No-no, it was of the first time my fiancé ever hit me."She said as she looked down. I looked at the reflective window. I never knew she was in a violent relationship or that she was engaged.

*Olivia Pov*

"What the hell is she talking about?" Elliot asked. I muted the room and turned around to face them. "In college Casey was engaged to be married. Her boyfriend started acting weird and thats when she found out he was schizophrenic. He wouldn't take any medicine and he attacked her a few times, in the end she left him. He ended up being hit by a cab a while ago and died." I said slowly. "You knew about this, and didn't care to inform us?" Cragen asked. "It was not my place." I said looking down. i turned around and turned the volume back up.

*Haung Pov*

"Did you ever tell anyone that Charlie hit you?" I asked. "No. No I didn't." She said still fumbling with her nails. "Why not? Didn't he deserve to be punished? Didn't you deserve justice?" She shrugged. "That's not justice and besides it wasn't his fault." She said shaking her head. "So it was your fault?" I asked raising an eyebrow. "No! No, it was the voices in head. making him paranoid." She screamed. I sighed. "He was a schizophrenic." I said more than asked. She just nodded. I could see the tears welling in her eyes. I didn't want to push her over the top, but she needed to talk about it. "Where is Charlie now?" I asked. She let out a huge sob. I went over to comfort her. I held her in my chest about thirty minutes. She cleared her throat. "He's dead, hit by a cab with my card in his pocket."


End file.
